Wednesday 8 June 2011

Weighing in to a heavy debate

I'm seeing quite a few comments flying around the Twitterverse at the minute and it's making me put fingers to keys. I've debated quite a bit over whether to blog on this topic, but I have decided that I need to say my piece, in the spirit of education rather than aggression.
There's been quite a few comments from people that I follow over the last few days about obesity, and the general view of 'fat' people as being lazy and disgusting and having no dignity. As my few blog readers will remember, I wrote a recent post about my own weight loss following hypnotherapy, and how I'm steadily and healthily losing weight and feeling good about myself now. I never intended this to be a blog about weight or weight loss, but it seems to be coming up again so here I go.
I guess I want to make a few points. One, if you know that some of your followers are overweight or obese, why would you make a comment about it being disgusting? Would you say this to their face at a party? Do you like them, care about their health? And what do you understand about their own individual situation that makes you feel best placed to comment? The internet and its many forms of communication are powerful tools - you can say what you want and have people love and adore you, but you can also deeply offend and hurt people but saying things that you wouldn't say to their face. On a personal level I wasn't actually offended, but I know others who were.
Secondly, why is obesity more offensive to people than other eating disorders? What is it that makes the sight of flabby arms more offensive than bone-thin ones? I genuinely don't understand this. In some instances, the reasons for obesity are genuine psychological disorders.  We seem to feel sympathy for those starving themselves to death but not for those eating themselves to death. I find this interesting and would genuinely welcome thoughts on it.
Thirdly, I'm going to share a personal story. It's one I haven't shared with anyone to date. Hopefully, this may make just one person understand one reason for obesity more. I feel able to do this because I've taken the steps to address my own problems and I am confident and happy now. A lot of people aren't and need support rather than criticism.
I was always a pretty skinny kid, and we struggled quite a lot financially in my early years. My parents divorced when I was very young and we lived with my mum, seeing my Dad in holidays. Both my parents are wonderful and separating was the right thing for them to do.  As money was so scarce, it was impressed upon me at a really early age that I needed to clear my plate, that food was a privilege and that eating everything put in front of me was the right thing to do. So I did. Even aged 29 when given man-sized food portions.
I have only just managed to break that message. The things that we learn at a formative stage stay with us.
As a teenager I quite often had to cook my own meals whilst mum was working. Sadly, the only cooking I knew was with a frying pan so I made do with that. Eat bad food and clear your plate.
At school I was bullied about my weight, as I'd gained some 'puppy fat'. The stress of going to school was so extreme that I started to make myself sick.  I also lost weight.
At college I was really slim. I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food, and ate rarely and often didn't look after myself properly.  I stayed slim throughout Uni, eating what I wanted and going clubbing twice a week! Learning to like myself a little.
And then I started work. And the weight started creeping on, with no clubbing to burn it off. And creeping on and creeping on.
Every now and then I'd try to lose weight, but immediately my old habits returned. Being sick. Not eating. Panic. I can't lose weight without hurting myself. It's healthier for me to be overweight.
I felt like this for years. And years. And it's taken me to the age of 30 to be able to break the psychology, the fear, the behaviours. And I'm sure it'll still be difficult from time to time before I get to where I want to be.
Fat people are lazy - I work bloody hard, have been headhunted for my last two jobs, and was a senior manager aged 27. If that's lazy, so be it. I can live with that.
Fat people are unattractive - I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world. He's loved me whatever size I've been. I still get asked out if I go out.  A person becomes more or less attractive by who they are and what they stand for.

I don't want sympathy and I don't expect this to impact anyone in particular.  I've come through the worst of my troubles and feel great for the first time. What I would hope is that people can start treating one another with some respect, and not be so crashingly judgemental of people without some understanding. I'm sure some obese people are lazy, eat rubbish, and don't care; but others are going through desperate struggles and should be supported.  If you are friends with someone, or care about them, don't say things that you know will disrespect and hurt them. If you wouldn't do it to someone anorexic why would you do it to someone obese?



I am interested in views on this so please post any constructive comments. Thank you for reading.
Betty - 13 lbs lighter since Easter and counting.