I'm seeing quite a few comments flying around the Twitterverse at the minute and it's making me put fingers to keys. I've debated quite a bit over whether to blog on this topic, but I have decided that I need to say my piece, in the spirit of education rather than aggression.
There's been quite a few comments from people that I follow over the last few days about obesity, and the general view of 'fat' people as being lazy and disgusting and having no dignity. As my few blog readers will remember, I wrote a recent post about my own weight loss following hypnotherapy, and how I'm steadily and healthily losing weight and feeling good about myself now. I never intended this to be a blog about weight or weight loss, but it seems to be coming up again so here I go.
I guess I want to make a few points. One, if you know that some of your followers are overweight or obese, why would you make a comment about it being disgusting? Would you say this to their face at a party? Do you like them, care about their health? And what do you understand about their own individual situation that makes you feel best placed to comment? The internet and its many forms of communication are powerful tools - you can say what you want and have people love and adore you, but you can also deeply offend and hurt people but saying things that you wouldn't say to their face. On a personal level I wasn't actually offended, but I know others who were.
Secondly, why is obesity more offensive to people than other eating disorders? What is it that makes the sight of flabby arms more offensive than bone-thin ones? I genuinely don't understand this. In some instances, the reasons for obesity are genuine psychological disorders. We seem to feel sympathy for those starving themselves to death but not for those eating themselves to death. I find this interesting and would genuinely welcome thoughts on it.
Thirdly, I'm going to share a personal story. It's one I haven't shared with anyone to date. Hopefully, this may make just one person understand one reason for obesity more. I feel able to do this because I've taken the steps to address my own problems and I am confident and happy now. A lot of people aren't and need support rather than criticism.
I was always a pretty skinny kid, and we struggled quite a lot financially in my early years. My parents divorced when I was very young and we lived with my mum, seeing my Dad in holidays. Both my parents are wonderful and separating was the right thing for them to do. As money was so scarce, it was impressed upon me at a really early age that I needed to clear my plate, that food was a privilege and that eating everything put in front of me was the right thing to do. So I did. Even aged 29 when given man-sized food portions.
I have only just managed to break that message. The things that we learn at a formative stage stay with us.
As a teenager I quite often had to cook my own meals whilst mum was working. Sadly, the only cooking I knew was with a frying pan so I made do with that. Eat bad food and clear your plate.
At school I was bullied about my weight, as I'd gained some 'puppy fat'. The stress of going to school was so extreme that I started to make myself sick. I also lost weight.
At college I was really slim. I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food, and ate rarely and often didn't look after myself properly. I stayed slim throughout Uni, eating what I wanted and going clubbing twice a week! Learning to like myself a little.
And then I started work. And the weight started creeping on, with no clubbing to burn it off. And creeping on and creeping on.
Every now and then I'd try to lose weight, but immediately my old habits returned. Being sick. Not eating. Panic. I can't lose weight without hurting myself. It's healthier for me to be overweight.
I felt like this for years. And years. And it's taken me to the age of 30 to be able to break the psychology, the fear, the behaviours. And I'm sure it'll still be difficult from time to time before I get to where I want to be.
Fat people are lazy - I work bloody hard, have been headhunted for my last two jobs, and was a senior manager aged 27. If that's lazy, so be it. I can live with that.
Fat people are unattractive - I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world. He's loved me whatever size I've been. I still get asked out if I go out. A person becomes more or less attractive by who they are and what they stand for.
I don't want sympathy and I don't expect this to impact anyone in particular. I've come through the worst of my troubles and feel great for the first time. What I would hope is that people can start treating one another with some respect, and not be so crashingly judgemental of people without some understanding. I'm sure some obese people are lazy, eat rubbish, and don't care; but others are going through desperate struggles and should be supported. If you are friends with someone, or care about them, don't say things that you know will disrespect and hurt them. If you wouldn't do it to someone anorexic why would you do it to someone obese?
I am interested in views on this so please post any constructive comments. Thank you for reading.
Betty - 13 lbs lighter since Easter and counting.
7 comments:
I think I may be one of the people that refer to. And you know what, I'm not going to apologise. Not because I don't respect you or others, but because I don't think we should let political correctness get in the way of honest comment.
I was watching a TV show about obesity. I tweeted "obesity #eurgh" or something like that. If I had tweeted "smokers #eurgh" would it have had the same reaction? I think not. In MOST cases, obesity is driven by lifestyle decisions, in the same way that smoking is. But for some reason we seem to accept being challenging of one killer but not another.
I don't want to cause anyone any personal offence, but at the same time, I am not going to back down from an honest opinion. I would rather be valued for being honest. As a society we need to get a grip on this asap. I'm sorry if that means being harsh, but in the words of Shakespeare,
"The weight of these sad times we must obey, say what we feel not what we ought to say"
Nx
I do appreciate your comments Neil and I understand some of your viewpoints. I personally find some of the issues around what constitutes #urrghh interesting. What would have happened if you'd said anorexia #uurghh ? Would you ever have? I'm not trying to be confrontational but I think that when we start labelling people as 'fat' or 'lazy' then we stop questioning why. There's a difference between political correctness gone mad and choosing not to be outright offensive and - trust me - I've known people to go far further than you. I guess I'm lucky that I've beaten my head demon but I know too how despairing and how isolating it can feel to be in that situation. You know people look at you and judge you but you feel so damned helpless. So no, let's not hide away from it, but let's discuss it, in an adult way, that helps people rather than pushes them further into their depression and illness.
We could go on for ever on this one....but I need to make a couple of points. Anorexia Nervosa is a clinical illness...and classified as such. MOST cases of obesity are not. Therefore the comparison isn't a fair one. They may be a symptom of depression etc. But so are alcoholism, smoking, drug taking etc. We have to be grown up about this and be clear about the differences.
We could go on forever! I'm not prepared to though. I know you and I are not going to agree on a lot of this. I do feel though that sometimes asking a question rather than making assumptions about people is a more fair way of doing it. Before I started my 'healing' process if you will - I used to have to deal with all manner of comments, and know how people were looking and judging. And how badly that hurts. I'm not a lazy person and I also understand both sides of the eating disorders only too well. And my personal experience is that both sides are debilitating. But you do genuinely get more support when you get too thin and judgement when you get too fat. The main thing that is motivating me is my health and my future. I think I'd have found it easier to do before if I'd felt I could have discussed it without being judged. I'm not trying to argue, just put a different point of view across.
After following your and Neils twitter conversation,I decided to read your blog Beth,and I agree totally with you. I was a skinny kid,who got a bit tubby at puberty,so when I went to college (to do catering) I realised that I could get away with eating! I used to tell my parents I was eating at college & told my fellow students and tutors,when asked,that I was eating at home. The trouble was that I started passing out at college and was hauled infront of the head tutor with my parents! This was when I was 17 ( in 1978,yes I'm that old!) and as everyone pleaded with me to eat,I did. (It was heartbreaking having my parents crying because of me) When I left college I got a job in a bakery,and then travelled to Canada,where I made the most of three hearty meals a day! Several years later,in 1987 I met Andy,we chatted each other up over phone calls (I was in telesales),but I thought that when we would meet for the first time he would be repulsed by my weight (I was at my heaviest then) , but it was more or less love at first sight!! We've been married for 22 years and can't imagine life without each other! We are now both over weight,but try very hard not to be :)
Sara thanks so much for your comments and I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that too. I don't think it ever really goes away. I've found that the hynotherapy has really worked for me, but I really felt it was time to change and feel good for it. I think quite often being overweight can come from having been ill through undereating and not finding a healthy way of losing weight. Personally I was always terrified of making myself ill again and am glad that I've managed to find a way to beat that monster now. And I'm glad that you have a wonderful man that you love too because it's the best feeling in the world :-)
I Loved this blog so much for the following reasons.
1) Although I'll be honest I am a little afraid of larger people I understand the reasons why
2) I know alot of people in the same boat and I think the first and best step is even trying to do something its not easy for people and it just creeps on.
3) I had a friend at university who as a bit larger and she was depressed and althought that wasn't the only reason the girls at uni used to make it known how they felt about her and in the end she tried to kill herself.
4) When i was younger i was thinner then I am now and i'll be honest terms for describing peoples weight gets thrown around to much and people would ask me if I was anorexic that bugged me becasue if you have seen someone who is the other side of the scale its like looking at a dieing person.
5) we come in all shapes and sizes and you know what we are all who we are regardless of what the outside is althought sometimes the impact of others veiws on our external apperance does effect our internal being we need to accept we all come in various shapes and sizes and that is how the human races is!!
The end
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